What I Want

I have control. I have control to decide if you are what I want or not.

And I'm not so sure.

I want someone who cares for me, and loves me. Someone who puts me equal to if not above themselves. I want someone who thinks of me and shows affection. Someone who does silly things like "Woman Crush Wednesday" just to show he's taken. I want someone who is proud of me, who celebrates my accomplishments, and who lifts me up on my bad days. I want someone that holds my hand, kisses me goodnight, hugs me before he leaves, and tells me he loves me before I get to say it. I want someone who isn't ashamed of me and who wants to include me in his life. I want someone who loves me just as much as I love him. I want someone who thinks of me and my feelings. Someone who doesn't say mean things just to make a dig or to create drama. I want someone who treats people with kindness.

I know James has all of these qualities. I've experienced them. Each and every one. But somewhere along the path of the person I feel in love with when I was 18 years old and the person James is now he's lost most if not all of these qualities.

I have a decision ahead of me and it's a decision I would rather not make. I know the person I fell in love with is still in there somewhere but if he ever decides to resurface I will never know.

XOXO

Sarah

Strong

I'm so tired of everyone telling me how strong I am.

Strong for fighting for my marriage.
Strong for not giving up.
Strong for standing up for what I want.
Strong for me. 
Strong. Strong. Strong.

Can't I ever just have one weak moment? A moment where I break down, let myself go, and just loose it.

I'm so tired of being strong. I'm so tired of fighting and holding on and trying to force things.

I'm broken and I'm beaten down and I'm worn.

But yet daily, I have to be strong. Is there anyone out there who can just be strong for me?

XOXO
Sarah

God is the Restorer!

I have been overwhelmed these last few months. My love, my life, my heart is breaking all around me. I can't stop it. I can't force it to stay. I feel alone and hopeless.

I'm not sure where my upside down life is going to go. I know where I would like for it to go but where I want it to go and where I have control over it going are two different things. 

I have really turned to God these last few months. Praying, crying, hoping, listening, fighting. Some days are better than others and I'm working on taking my life day to day, hour by hour, and minute by minute.

I have support from a few very close friends and family members who I love and trust. They have been more than supportive through kind words, words of wisdom, and prayers.

Today my dear, sweet friend sent me the sweetest Facebook page Proverbs 31 Ministries. I'm not usually a huge fan of these types of sites. They usually blow up your Facebook wall and try to sell you something to keep participating but this site has provided wonderful blessings and daily prayers.

Today I was led to "One Girl and Her God". It had a wonderful prayer of healing, restoration, and forgiveness. I've been provided great messages regarding healing and God's healing power. Praying for God to heal. I'm praying for God to heal my relationship. I'm praying for God to heal me. I'm praying for God to heal those I love. 

I don't want to loose this prayer. It's exactly what I need emotionally right now. God is a Restorer!

Father,

I love you! I approach Your throne of grace with confidence in Your everlasting unconditional love for my friend. (Hebrews 4:16) Father, in the Name of Jesus, I ask you to be the “Restorer of the Breach” for your daughter. (Isaiah 58:12) Restore back to her a strained relationship she holds very dear in her heart. (Joel 2:25)  Bring wisdom, forgiveness, and understanding into each heart involved today. (James 1:5, 1 John 1:9, and Psalm 119:130) Pour Your love into all wounded hearts supernaturally. (Romans 5:5)

Show Your daughter You restore all things brand new and when YOU author a restoration things will soon be better than they have ever been. (2 Corinthians 5:17)  Remind her You are the One who can change the heart of kings. (Proverbs 21:1) How? Your love. Your love is louder than any pain, regret, or seemingly impossible situation. (Jeremiah 32:17) Father, may the two seeking reconciliation be overwhelmed with this love that can erase a wrong, give a second chance, and change a stony heart. (Ezekiel 36:26) May the healing power of forgiveness and true agape love overcome your daughter’s weary and torn heart. (Luke 7:47)

Daddy, work it out so your daughter completely forgets the pain she has become acquainted with during this difficult time. (Genesis 41:51) You will faithfully wipe away every tear from her eyes personally. (Revelation 21:4)  You will remember Your daughter’s cry for restoration by “working all things out for her good.” (Romans 8:28). Reward her for seeking and trusting You by answering this prayer exceedingly and abundantly more than she can DREAM. (Hebrews 11:6 and Ephesians 3:20)

Father, create a healthy and God-honoring relationships for your daughter and her loved ones.  In Your wisdom, reveal blind spots and hidden scars to be healed. Bring into the light words that have wounded, actions that have broken hearts, and hidden thoughts that have poisoned minds to not forgive or forget. (Ephesians 4:32)  Show your daughter where she needs to re-train her thoughts and re-new her mind to Your will of total forgiveness. (Romans 12:2) Teach her to forgive completely, the way You do. (Matthew 5:48) There can be no future for her without forgiveness. (Luke 6:37) Show her true love forgives and frees.

Father, You have taught us to bless and pray for those who have hurt us, abused, or left us.  You restored back DOUBLE to Job when he prayed for the friends. After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before. Job 42:10. Do the same for my friend. Restore back to her dignity, respect, and honor as she yields her heart to obey You and forgive. Where she does not want to forgive overrule her flesh. (Mark 14:38) When she struggles with this weakness be her strength. (2 Corinthians 12:9) Where she needs forgiveness grant that request. In Jesus’ Name.

Do not let Satan outwit Your daughter with his schemes. Teach her forgiveness is Your heart. This is why You are named the “Restorer of the Breach.” If there is anything to forgive I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. 2 Corinthians 2:11. Help her to forgive so she can be forgiven.(Matthew 6:15)  Show her to believe in love over all things especially wrongs against her. (1 Corinthians 13)

“Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person.”
Corinthians 13:7 (AMP)

Last, whisper in her ear to forgive herself. For she is worthy of your love, worthy of Your Son’s death, and worthy of the blood that cleanses her whole and healthy.  She is worthy!  She has humbled herself to forgive and to ask for forgiveness, therefore; You will exalt her head high! Yes, you will. (1 Peter 5:6 and Psalm 3:3) 

AMEN.

XOXO

Sarah

Start a business when you're young and unafraid of failure

December! Really? How missing have I been?

I'm still waiting on my big dream. And this week it's been laid on my heart much more heavy than the past months.

I had to make some life adjustments to accommodate the new venture that was put on hold but things are moving along, slowly. More slowly than I would like for them too. And while I love where my life is taking me, I'm really chomping at the bit for more. Patience is not a virtue that I have, nor probably will ever posses.

I read an article today about Gen Y and our faults. While most readers who commented on the article seemed offended by the writers opinions I agreed with most, if not all, of them. Gen Y is lazy, wants things handed to them, has no drive to compete, is a not make any one angry generation.

One thing that stuck out to me most was that Gen Y talks about being an entrepreneur but only if they are guaranteed a safety net. Screw the safety net! I'm sick and tire of being safe! I want to be risky, and daring, and bold, and brave. I want to be stupid and step out on the water and hope I walk but know that if I sink, that is ok also.

"Start a business when you're young and unafraid of failure." Barbara Corcoran

This is one smart, successful woman and she is absolutely right. While I'm young and having nothing to loose I'm going to follow my big dream. I'm going to continue to follow my big dream and I'm going to make it happen within the year.

Watch my go world!

XOXO

Sarah

Merry Christmas!

With Love, The Butlers :)

Some time you need a little Shove

Well, in the last 3 days my life has drastically changed.

I received a pay cut and a wonderful opportunity at work and God blessed me with a transition job in the meantime.

I accepted the transition job but over the weekend something just felt wrong.

I felt like I was giving up my Big Dream. The dream that God had laid on my heart. The dream that I've always carried with me. I felt like by taking the new job I was saying no to my dream. I felt like my dream didn't mean anything thing when it means everything.

Today I took my big dream and I told my boss. The first person out of my very, close, tight group of confidants. Not that I don't trust my boss but she is one tough cookie and I knew she'd be a straight shooter. Thankfully she was loving and kind and supportive. She was brutally honest and blurted out that it would never work. The more we sat and the more we talked, the more she understood my big dream. And the more she became my support.

I'm waiting on my lender to come through and my goal is by the time I walk out of ITI, crying all the way, I will have my loan in hand to walk into my store smiling and thanking God for the blessing of life.

I'm still stuck on transition job. And to be honest, it's the furthest from my mind. My heart tells me to let it go and to have faith in God and the blessings he provides. My heart tells me to have just the smallest ounce of faith to know that in His own time, God will provide.

God's been telling me for months to let go of my fear and doubt and to let Him lead. I fought God and I did things the Sarah way because that's what I do. Well, this past week God pushed me out of the way and has taken control. I feel so empowered and blessed and I'm anxious for the next few months in my life.

I'm not anxious about what is to come. I'm anxious to see what God has planned for me. I know the store is in the works but I'm anxious to see what blessings God flows upon my life and my family and the community. God has big plans in store and He's working through me to fulfill His needs. I'm not sure where I fit into God's plan but I know He's using me for something much, much bigger than myself.

With God by my side, all things are possible. And I'm ready to do his will!!

XOXO
Sarah

Remember When...

XOXO

Sarah