Still have a long way to go

Well, I have officially survived my first full year in my own personal Hell.

This year officially has been the worst in my life. I have fought, screamed, cried, panicked, and wanted to bury my head in the sand to never return.

If I can make it through this year, no matter what, I can make it through anything.

I'm still terrified.

But through all of my hurt and pain. Confusion and panic attacks. Good days and bad days. I have learned so much about me.

As much of a personal Hell this year has been, it has also been a year of growth and soul searching.

I spent hundreds of hours in quite prayer time with God this past year. Some days I said a lot, others I said nothing. Some were spent crying and others were spent singing praise. I have never felt so much peace in a time where the waters were raging all around me. I was truly humbled. Through so much noise God never failed to remind me that no matter what, He and only He had my life under control.

For once in my life, I spent time on me. I took all of my concerns for others out of my life and focused on just me. I found people that I wanted in my life. I let go of people who didn't have a place anymore. I embraced my quirks and no longer apologized for my flaws. I reminded myself that it's ok to stand up for me, my goals, my wants, my needs, and what I deserve. I was reminded that it's acceptable to be vocal about my wants and to not let myself be bullied.

I found comfort in places I never expected with people I didn't know.

My journey is far from over. I still live in a world of anxiety and unknown. I'm still insecure. I still cry daily.

I continue to pray. I continue on my journey. I press on. Daily. I choose daily.