Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Still have a long way to go

Well, I have officially survived my first full year in my own personal Hell.

This year officially has been the worst in my life. I have fought, screamed, cried, panicked, and wanted to bury my head in the sand to never return.

If I can make it through this year, no matter what, I can make it through anything.

I'm still terrified.

But through all of my hurt and pain. Confusion and panic attacks. Good days and bad days. I have learned so much about me.

As much of a personal Hell this year has been, it has also been a year of growth and soul searching.

I spent hundreds of hours in quite prayer time with God this past year. Some days I said a lot, others I said nothing. Some were spent crying and others were spent singing praise. I have never felt so much peace in a time where the waters were raging all around me. I was truly humbled. Through so much noise God never failed to remind me that no matter what, He and only He had my life under control.

For once in my life, I spent time on me. I took all of my concerns for others out of my life and focused on just me. I found people that I wanted in my life. I let go of people who didn't have a place anymore. I embraced my quirks and no longer apologized for my flaws. I reminded myself that it's ok to stand up for me, my goals, my wants, my needs, and what I deserve. I was reminded that it's acceptable to be vocal about my wants and to not let myself be bullied.

I found comfort in places I never expected with people I didn't know.

My journey is far from over. I still live in a world of anxiety and unknown. I'm still insecure. I still cry daily.

I continue to pray. I continue on my journey. I press on. Daily. I choose daily.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Learning to love as adults

It is no secret that I have been struggling with my marriage for the last year, but as I have struggled with my marriage I have found that several of my friends are also struggling with there's. One thing we all have in common is that we each met, dated, and married before we were working professionals. Some met in high school, while others met in college, but our common factor is that we were forced to learn our spouses as adults.

We all moved into the "real world" and while trying to learn how to be a working professional, maintain our financial stability without our parents contribution, purchase homes, start careers, change careers, make adult friends, and attempt to learn new places we all somehow forgot that both ourselves and our spouses were no longer in college. While our relationships were neglected and somehow still managed to live in a drunken, party-filled life our individuals grew into adults.

In my own personal life, my husband and I attempted to live as we did in college. We never allowed ourselves to "grow up" as a couple, even though we were making adult decisions such as purchasing homes, building careers, and establishing new friendships. We both made poor choices as adults which lead to mistrust, hurt, and loss.

After almost a year of growing individually, traveling separate journeys, and some how meeting in the middle my husband and I will both tell you that our biggest problem was we never grew out of college. Instead of growing together we allowed each other to grow separately causing a huge divide within our lives and made us more of roommates than husband and wife. As we still try to decide how to make our new individual lives fit together as one, if we decide this is our path, we are forced to learn a new person. The person I met, knew, dated, and married from college is not the person that I thought he was and I am sure that my husband feels the same about me.

As an adult, I am more thoughtful with my decisions and conservative with my actions. In college it was common to see me not only at the bar having just a few too many drinks but also on the table dancing in a skirt just slightly too short, flirting with a boy just a little too young only to end up at my husbands apartment at the end of the night. I am no longer that person. And while my glory days in college were perfect for my time, they are indeed just that - glory days. A memory of my past that is fun to reminisce with my college roommate on a girls weekend, not something I want to relive with my business client. 

I have to admit that there were college things about my husband that I was ok with in college. I thought these habits were cute, funny, or just a phase but as an adult I was not happy with. Instead of talking about these habits and finding a compromise I chose to shut my husband out and to ignore him all together. I was learning as an adult that it was perfectly acceptable to choose not to include people in your life who didn't need to be there, expect this rule didn't apply to my husband considering we were married and no longer easily disposable to each other.

I am working now to learn this new person I married. And while some days I think it would be easier to just divorce and start over, finding someone who fits with me easily as an adult, fulfilling my wants, needs, wishes, dreams I am choosing to give this new husband a try. I hope and pray that as we choose to learn about each other that we can mold our new lives, dreams, desires, and goals into a new adult life - together, with each other.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Shame on Me!

I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm upset. I'm angry.

I feel betrayed and disrespected.

I feel used and abused.

I have never felt so disoriented and lost in my life.

I keep praying for all of these feelings to just go away. I keep hoping my life will just go back to normal, before all of this happened.

I'm in a daily struggle with myself. And as always, some days are good and some days are bad. I go through a whirlwind of emotions daily.

I can't shake the anxiety of what is going to happen in the next day, the next week, the next month, or year. My anxiety and worry levels are so high and I'm tired of being told that I just need to get over it.


I've been hurt and betrayed NUMEROUS times by the one person I thought would NEVER do this to me. The one person I trusted wholey when I trusted no one else. The one person I thought would be faithful through anything. And time after time through this process, I keep getting hurt.

When does the hurt just go away?
When do I get to heal?
When am I able to trust and love again?

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity.

I feel like a crazy person. I feel like an abused puppy who keeps coming home because this is where the food is. I feel like a battered woman who keeps going back to her abuser because "he loves her".


Some days I feel like I should just let go. Let it all go and just walk away. Walk away from the hurt and the pain. Walk away from the anxiety. At least if I walk away, I won't be expecting to be hurt again. I just keep waiting. Waiting on things to be different and so far they haven't been.

I feel like such a fool. A blind and deaf fool.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.


Wednesday, October 9, 2013

My Struggle

I'm struggling! I don't want to use the actions of the last three months as a scapegoat for my marriage but this just feels wrong. I'm not setteled or at peace with how things are going at the moment.
I should be happy. Home is at peace, the fighting has stopped and the divorce word is at bay. Both of us are home, making plans more than a day out, and talking about the future. But something just feels off.

And maybe this is me. I still personally struggle daily with the past events. Forgiveness without forgetting is hard, much harder than I thought.

I guess I expected more. I expected apologizes. More respect. Date nights. Cuddling. And growth. I feel like we're doing the same old things that lead to the point where we are now.

I keep going back to the quote, "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you think they should, doesn't mean that they don't love you with everything they have."

Am I expecting too much? A lot of sacrifice on Hubs part has been made but just not expressed very well. It would just be nice for him to express that the sacrifices that are being made are being made with the intention of us and our future at hand. I need reassurance.

I keep praying for reassurance. Just a little nudge that I am doing what is right.

"Dear Lord, Please provide reassurance. Please let me know that I am on Your path. Give peace and help me to trust"



Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Waiting for the storm

Things seem to be getting better, so why do I still feel confused, skeptical, and uneasy?

I've been hurt, beaten down, worn out, and emotionally torn during this entire process. I'm just waiting for the pain to continue.

Can this really be over? Can the tides be turning? Can good really begin to happen?

I just keep sitting, and waiting on the storm to rage on. 

My feelings of anxiousness and worry have gone. I'm no longer worried about what is to come or when it will happen. I'm not just waiting to be forced to move on. In six months or a year, are these good days going to end?

I'm trying hard to not let myself become emotionally attached but it's so hard not too when things are going so good. I want to stay in the good forever and never let it go.

I wish there was a way I could know. Know that the good is really good and that it is here to stay. That the storm that has been raging in my life for the last three months is really beginning to dissolve and that what good is coming in is good to stay.

I pray constantly. I've prayed for healing, guidance, help, faithfulness, understanding, and now I'm praying for closure. I'm praying for God to heal my heart and to show me that the healing is real and that I'm not being built up just to be torn down again. I can't take or handle being torn down emotionally, physically, or spiritually again. I'm not strong enough for a round two or three.

I feel like such a skeptic but I need to be shown that this is not just a game and that what is happening in my life is real. I want to trust again. I want to be strong again. I want to be whole again and better than I was before. I need to be shown that this has real meaning.



Sunday, September 29, 2013

Fruits of the Spirit

Growing up you always heard of the fruits of the Spirit. I mean there was even a song about it but what no one ever talks about are the acts of the flesh. Those are just as important as the fruits of the Spirit. These things teach us what not to be. We always hear of what to be or what qualities to look for but we're never told what to avoid.

There was a great sermon this morning about 5 qualities to look for in a future spouse for dating purposes. It was a great message this morning as I continue to struggle with my own life. I struggle daily with what I have before me and what I want. Ideally, I would like to see the person that I have in front of me and the person that I want merge into the same person, the person who I feel in love with, the person that I married.

This morning forced me to reflect my own marriage and my own opinions, wants, and desires. It forced me to deal with the silent thoughts in my own head that I've been too afraid to say. I never want to talk about the negative or the hurt because then I feel like I am willing it to happen. If I never physically say it then I never give the opportunity to will it into existence.

Point by point this morning I realized that I may be fighting for something that was never good and will never be good. As much as it hurts to say, maybe this isn't supposed to heal and I'm fighting against God's will for my life. From simple things like handling conflict to larger things like parenting and character flaws, we addressed almost all of my doubt this morning. I feel like God wrote this sermon just for me.

Of all the points, the one point that really hit home was "Look for someone who displays the Fruits of the Spirits in their daily lives". But in additional to the fruits of the Spirit we also discussed characteristics to avoid, the "Acts of the Flesh". I see several "Acts of the Flesh" in my relationship. From personal experience, they do nothing but cause hurt and pain. There is nothing enjoyable about these acts and nothing to gain from them.

Galatians 5:19-23

19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

I'm not sure where God is leading me or the path He has chosen for me. But I do know that changes MUST be made and qualities must be evaluated in order for healing and restoration to happen.

God is working in such a way that I can not even see but I have my faith and trust in Him who is the healer of all.



Friday, September 27, 2013

All things in their own time.

All things in their own time.

I'm such a mixed bag of emotions right now. I'm sad, hurt, angry, confused, hopefully, at peace, excited, and forgiving all rolled into one.

There was a great conversation that happened this past weekend. I was finally able to speak of my hurt, and my anger, and how everything is effecting me.

I asked a hundred and one questions about the situation and even through I didn't receive answers I am thankful that I was able to get them out of my head and into the open. I feel much better just knowing that my questions and concerns were laid out there. I'm glad I was able to express how I felt about the situation and how disappointed and hurt I was because of it. I was also able to tell just how angry about it I was and that it is NOT ok that it happened but that I can forgive but forgetting may take some time.

I also received comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one hurting in this and that neither of us want an ending result but we're not sure how to move forward with forgiveness and healing. I do know that we cannot do this alone but I'm not sure who to ask for help.

I forgive what happened and I can even forgive the Hell I've been put through the last 2 months but I'm not going to forget so easily. And trust is earned.

There is still a lot to work on and a lot of healing to do, but God is working. And I'm trusting God fully that His will is too be done. God has brought us to this place and He will bring us through, better than we were yesterday.

"I need thee, oh I need thee. Every hour I need thee"