Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Shame on Me!

I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm upset. I'm angry.

I feel betrayed and disrespected.

I feel used and abused.

I have never felt so disoriented and lost in my life.

I keep praying for all of these feelings to just go away. I keep hoping my life will just go back to normal, before all of this happened.

I'm in a daily struggle with myself. And as always, some days are good and some days are bad. I go through a whirlwind of emotions daily.

I can't shake the anxiety of what is going to happen in the next day, the next week, the next month, or year. My anxiety and worry levels are so high and I'm tired of being told that I just need to get over it.


I've been hurt and betrayed NUMEROUS times by the one person I thought would NEVER do this to me. The one person I trusted wholey when I trusted no one else. The one person I thought would be faithful through anything. And time after time through this process, I keep getting hurt.

When does the hurt just go away?
When do I get to heal?
When am I able to trust and love again?

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity.

I feel like a crazy person. I feel like an abused puppy who keeps coming home because this is where the food is. I feel like a battered woman who keeps going back to her abuser because "he loves her".


Some days I feel like I should just let go. Let it all go and just walk away. Walk away from the hurt and the pain. Walk away from the anxiety. At least if I walk away, I won't be expecting to be hurt again. I just keep waiting. Waiting on things to be different and so far they haven't been.

I feel like such a fool. A blind and deaf fool.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.


No comments:

Post a Comment